This past week was a rough one. In short: I’m happy, but sad. :): And the weird combination of the two had me anxiously spinning all week, leaving me feeling emotionally and physically drained.
I found myself very irritable and pissy with nearly everything annoying me even more than I already was. It would begin as soon as I had to face traffic driving to work each morning and was pretty persistent throughout the day. At first, I attributed it to PMSing but after looking at the calendar, I realized that wicked beast wasn’t due for another couple of weeks so I couldn’t blame Mother Nature. I cried nearly every day. The kind of cries that make it hard to catch your breath while you’re drooling & snotting all over yourself. Even an episode of Grey’s Anatomy had me nearly curled in a ball, full of all kinds of emotions. I don’t cry like that often but it had been building up in my chest and finally began to erupt a little bit more & more each day. One time happened on my lunch break while another time happened on the drive home from work. On Wednesday night, I opened a photo album on my phone and came across the photo of my mom on her birthday while in the hospital this year. Her smiling, happy yet tired face beaming at me made my heart ache in an entirely new way.
And I lost it. I began to sob on my couch and I ended up crawling to my bedroom, where I laid on the floor with my dog, Tammy Faye Barker for almost a half hour. It was a cry I needed to have.
I think the shock of everything that happened with my mom has finally started to wear off. I took on a lot in a short period of time and I think my mind is unwinding some of that heartache. Because man oh man, there is a lot of it. With the holidays coming up, there are many events that I’m super excited for, including one that happened just yesterday: Pre-Thanksgiving with many of my close friends to celebrate years of friendships. It was wonderful to be surrounded by so many people and have all kinds of delicious food. There were so many hugs and so much laughter that it was nearly impossible to not smile the entire time.
But that sadness is ever present…a constant reminder that my mom is gone. It follows me around like a shadow and is with me wherever I go. I’m sad about a lot of things but it’s the small ones like the fact that I can no longer share with my mom the cupcakes I always bake this time of year. I’m so saddened that I will start Christmas shopping very soon and there is one less person on my list to buy for: the person who used to be at the very top.
To say it sucks is SUCH an understatement but those two words really do sum it all up.
I physically feel the sadness. Its heaviness, its darkness; the dull ache, the fatigue. I’m having to push a bit harder each day to not stay in the bed and get lost in my millions of thoughts. My main thoughts have, of course, been about my mom and how much I miss her; how much my world has changed. But I’ve also been thinking about the silly two cats I acquired since her passing and how much I’ve grown to love them. They are one of the best reminders of my mom and I’m so happy to have them roaming around my house. They are both so loving but show it completely different ways and bring two fun & very individual personalities to the house.
They went to the vet last week, along with Tammy Faye and all 3 of them checked out beautifully. Healthy and happy with the vet asking me if Tammy Faye was REALLY 14. I honestly can’t believe it myself. She is such a ball of energy and pure sunshine that I fall in love with her over & over again on a daily basis. Having these 3 animals around makes it hard for me to ever want to leave my house and wanting to hurry home to them when I’m out. I adore them THAT much. Tammy loves to stalk Layla and watch her every move.
Layla has become more trusting of me and snuggles a lot more, which makes me feel a bit privileged. Emme is the stereotypical curious cat. If she hears a door open ANYWHERE in the house, she comes running to hopefully investigate a new space. She loves getting lost in my bedroom closet, hiding under chairs, in plants and is even more talkative than before (plus she snores a LOT). She greets me every morning when I wake up, either telling me “Good morning” or “Feed me”, I’m not sure which. Either way, I look forward to our morning chats each day and gazing into those magical emerald eyes of hers.
This week, I’ve found myself thinking a lot about the day that they won’t be here. The day when those reminders of my mom won’t be curled up at my feet. The day that I won’t have conversations with Emme and Layla’s paw won’t appear out of nowhere as I’m eating, trying to help herself to whatever I’m having. And don’t even get me started on losing Tammy Faye. I’ve had her since I was 18 years old. We’ve grown up together. The fact that I’m setting myself up for so much heartache is SUCH a terrifying thought. I already feel so physically heartbroken over losing my mom and I know losing those wonderful little animals is going to be crushing. I’ve seen a lot of people lose their best friends this past year and I am simply not looking forward it. And for whatever reason, I have been thinking about that a lot lately. Pretty cheery, huh? I must be a glutton for punishment..
I have yet to know the love of having a child of my own and I indeed hope to know that magic sooner than later. But caring for another living creature that loves you in return is a pretty incredible relationship. How two totally different walks of life can bond in ways that bring pure happiness is such a beautiful thing. I hope its something that I have for as many days as I’m here on Earth. It’s one of my favorite parts about waking up in the morning: knowing I have another day to spend time loving on the fury creatures that live with me. I feel very fortunate to have them in my life and even though the inevitable is set to happen, I will treasure every second of having them here. I hope I bring them at least a fragment of the happiness they bring me.
However, I’m looking forward to the upcoming week. It’s a 3-day work week followed by Thanksgiving, the Gilmore Girls revival on Friday and then a quick trip to the Outer Banks on Saturday that is sure to be super special. It’s another trip dedicated to my mom, that I’m sure will have tons of photos & words to explain its story. Until then, I leave you with this: