Thirty Days

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It’s been 30 days since my mom passed away. An entire month has gone by.

I’ve checked my phone dozens of times, making sure I don’t have any missed calls from her. I’ve gone on walks and thought about calling her just to say hello or tell her what new show just got announced.

But then I remember.
And my heart sinks.

I listen to the voicemail’s of hers I have saved on my phone and as painful as it is, I find myself smiling. I’m able to hear her laugh or roll my eyes at one of her lame jokes. The sound of her voice is comforting and helps my heart to not hurt as bad.

It’s been 30 days and it feels like it all happened a lifetime ago. It doesn’t feel like I watched my mother leave this world 720 hours ago. It feels so much longer.

Yet, I still can barely wrap my head around the fact. Its hard to believe that she’s not here anymore.  My mind plays those last few days on repeat. I remember all of it. I remember how awful it was…and how sad I am that my mom went through what she did.

As I continue living & breathing, because my mom was cremated, I can take her with me and let her do the travelling she always wished she could do. I plan to spread her ashes in places she loved and places I know she WOULD have loved. Whenever I go out of the country, any time I go to a beach and I’m sure, at some point, something will happen after a concert…whenever the time feels right.

Today, I went to one of my favorite places: the Raleigh Little Theatre  Rose Garden. My mom loved flowers and I had hoped to take her to this place. When I think about it, I had hoped to do a lot of things… but unfortunately, our time ran out. I sprinkled the most minute amount of ashes amongst the soil so she could become a part of the garden itself. With the sun shining down and gorgeous butterflies fluttering about, it felt like she was there with me. I wish she physically was…

…I would love to have one more hug from my momma bear.

I’ve been a technical “adult” since I was 21. I’ve lived on my own, had a job, been in relationships and all the other “adult” things you do. But I can honestly say, I’ve never felt like a true adult until the passing of my mother. The person I have always had in my corner is gone. I am, for real, all on my own now. Yes, I have love and friends and family. But I am motherless. I am 100% an adult for real now… this is what my mom had been preparing me for all along. Making sure that I would be OK when she was no longer here for me to fall back on. Well Mom, I’m OK but I still wish like hell that you were here. I’ve never missed someone so much…

In my previous post “These Past Two Months: My Mother’s Legacy“, I mentioned one of the “gifts” my mom received while in the hospital on her birthday. I thought of a photo of it today would be most appropriate. The nurses staff at Duke not only sang to her but made her the most precious hat out of a bedpan (new & unused, thank you!), gauze, tape and cut-up gowns. As odd as it sounds, it was so sweet and made my mom feel so special. It was her favorite thing that she received on her last birthday, if you can believe that! I still have it and will keep it always.

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Author: Jenn Ryan

Nerd. Writer. Digs music, animals, horror 🎬, cakes, believes in magic, loves the universe & hopes to inspire others to lives happily!

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